He's Just Not That Into You: Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

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IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG A friend of mine was on a first date with a woman who mentioned she was also dating a married man. He immediately told her there wouldn’t be a second date, because if she didn’t like herself enough to be in a proper relationship, why should he? It’s So Simple Sadly, I can’t be with you ladies all the time, fending off all the bad excuses, and, thereby, bad men that come your way. But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you’ll never see when you’re with a guy who’s really into you: You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re calling for your messages every fifteen seconds. You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You’ll be too busy being adored. Now What Do You Do? Okay. We just laid waste to your personal lives. We admit it. If all the women in this book listened to these answers, there would right now be a fresh crop of newly single women out there. Therefore, it seems like it’s our duty to discuss what one must do after the breakup. We’re not psychiatrists or very girly (particularly Liz), so we’re not going to talk about candles and bubble baths and sending yourself flowers. But I think we could ask you to at least try to notice, even just a tiny bit, how good it feels to be out of a relationship with someone who actually wasn’t that into you. Can you at least feel that sense of relief? When you think about it, making all those excuses for someone and trying to “figure someone out” takes up a lot of energy. Think of all the time you’ve opened up for so many other more positive things besides obsessing over him. Yes, breakups are painful, even from someone you may have only dated a few times. You may have been really excited about him and had a lot of hopes for the future. But how empowering to have the mental clarity to say, “He just wasn’t that into me.” Can you imagine that girl in the future? Nothing will be able to stop her! Now, there’s a million things you can do after a breakup; what you do during that time—yoga, affirmation tapes, murder—is your business. But basically you’re going to have to feel the pain, you’re going to have to go through it, and then you’re going to have to get over it. All we can try to do in this book is help you do it differently in the future. The first thing we’re going to recommend is setting some standards. Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook Hey, what’s a self-help tome without a workbook? Our chapters will all be so brave and wise that we want to make sure you retain as much of the brilliance as you can. So for all of you who feel the need to get out of your problems and into your crayon box, have at it. Love, Greg and Liz Remember in grade school how they told you not to write in your textbooks? Screw that! Grab a pen and list five reasons why you think you have every right or good reason to call him. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Put the book aside and wait an hour. Or at least ten minutes. Then ask yourself: Do I seem pathetic? Do I sound like someone who doesn’t trust my own innate hotness? Yes, you do! Now put your dialing finger away, get out of the house, and go find some fun. P.S.: You just did a workbook exercise about a guy who hasn’t even extended to you the energy of a phone call. Why would you want to chase that down?

FROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Not Listening, I looked up “I don’t want to be your boyfriend” in the Relationship Dictionary, just to make sure I wasn’t mistaken, but I was right. It still means “I don’t want to be your boyfriend.” Wow. And this is coming from a guy who’s spending four or five nights a week with you. That must hurt. Nice to know your not-boyfriend gets to live in your world commitmentfree. Not quite sure what you’re getting. If you want to give all that time to a guy who’s proclaiming he’s not your boyfriend, then go ahead. But I’d hope you’d at least go find someone who wasn’t saying to your face, “I’m just not that into you.” Men, just like women, want to feel emotionally protected when a relationship starts to become serious. One way they do that is by laying claim to it. They actually want to say “I’m your boyfriend” or “I’d like to be your boyfriend” or “If you ever break up with that other guy who’s not your boyfriend, I’d like to be your boyfriend.” A man who’s really into you is going to want you all to himself. And why wouldn’t he, hot stuff? He’s Just Not That Into You - If He’s Not Dating You “Hanging Out” is Not Dating Oh, there seem to be so many variations to dating, particularly in the early stages of a relationship. So many gray, murky areas of vagueness, mystery, and no questions asked. Dudes love this time because that’s when they get to pretend they’re not really dating you. Then they also get to pretend they’re not really responsible for your feelings. When you ask someone out on a real bonafide date, you’re making it official: I’d like to see you alone to find out if we have a romantic future together (or at least pretend to listen to you while I ponder whether you’re wearing a thong). In case you need more clues: There’s usually a public excursion, a meal, and some hand-holding involved.

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Get a bright red crayon. Color in this flag. You’ve just made a big red flag. Good, because that’s what a man not wanting to have sex with you is. Now put down the crayon and go get yourself some good loving. The “But He’s Really a Good Person” Excuse Dear Greg, I never thought I’d be in this situation. I know you’re not supposed to date married men, but here I am. I met him at a conference out of town, but ended up seeing him for work reasons in the city I live in. We fell in love and one thing led to another. We see each other whenever he’s in town, which is often. It would be easy to think all the bad things I should think about this situation, except for the fact that he is a kind, good man. He has never done anything like this before. And he never says anything bad about his wife. We are deeply in love. I’m thirty-six years old and I have never in my life felt anything this powerful before. He says the same thing, too. He talks about leaving his wife, but he has two young children, and this would be devastating to them. He is tortured by it all. I feel awful, and yet I also believe I deserve to feel this kind of love. And if it feels so huge, it must be real and meant to be. This isn’t the typical dating-a-married-guy story, Greg. This is me. And it feels completely different. Belinda FROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Other Woman, Hey, smart girl. Good for you to know you deserve to feel a powerful and profound love. I just think you should have it with someone who’s actually yours. There’s plenty of guys out there. Why not get one of your own? Sure, okay, sometimes people fall out of love, marry the wrong person, are overcome with passion, or make bad choices, all of which can result in an affair. Here’s how you and Ring Finger Fred can handle this situation now: Stop seeing each other; let him figure out his life. If he ends up staying with his wife, then you would have been that girl who was having an affair with the guy who was never planning on leaving his wife. If he does leave his wife, then you can start a life with him not based in shame. This is no joke, and I’m not even going to try to be glib (even if I was a little in the letter above). You want love and you want to be loved and you think you’ve finally found it. But he’s married. Please try not to ignore that fact. He’s married to someone else. I know you’re different, and it’s different, but the fact is, he’s still married. If there’s only one red flag you are unable to ignore in your entire life, please make it this one. There’s simply too much at stake for everyone involved. He’s married. Unless he’s all yours, he’s still hers. There are cool, loving single men in the world. Find one of them to go out with. If a guy is yelling about his ex-wife or crying over his last girlfriend, try to find someone else to take you to the movies. He’s married. Don’t be that girl. You are not easily forgotten. Let him find you when he’s ready. It’s So Simple Imagine right now that I’m leaping up and down and shaking my fist at the sky. I’m on my knees pleading with you. I’m saying this in a loud voice: “Please, if you can trust one thing I say in this book, let it be this: When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you’d like us to be.” I know it’s an infuriating concept—that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It’s insulting. It’s frustrating. It’s unfortunately the truth. My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he’s just not that into you. (And we want you to believe you’re one of the nine, ladies!) I can’t say it loud enough: You, the superfox reading this book, are worth asking out.

FROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Starved for Affection, Have to say, little suspicious of someone who doesn’t like one of the greatest pleasures on earth. What else does he not like that you don’t know about yet? Puppies? Babies? Having a soul? And if you like being affectionate for all the obvious reasons, then why would you want to doom yourself to a no-touching zone with Mr. Uncomfortable? Yes, some men have a hard time being physically affectionate, but actually not enjoying it? It’s difficult to fathom. He may be really into you, but he’s certainly not really compatible with you. I say move on, meet someone who enjoys the things you like, and have a long life filled with playful grab-ass. You will meet people who don’t like to be touched, or kissed, or who don’t like sex. You can spend a lot of time trying to fix them, or wondering if you should take it personally. Or you can realize that they simply don’t like to do the things you find absolutely essential to your enjoyment of life, and then go find yourself someone who does. It’s So Simple Learn it, live it, like it, love it: If a man likes you, he’s going to want to have sex with you. Sure, things may slow down in a long-term relationship, but even then, it’s a joy, a gift, and your right to have a fantastic sex life.This is What It Should Look Like, by Liz When I was working with Greg on this book in New York, I noticed that Greg would often call his wife just to tell her that he couldn’t really talk to her right then, but he was thinking of her and would call later. It didn’t look like the most difficult thing in the world, but it sure seemed nice. It’s So Simple From this moment on, right now, as you read this, make this solemn vow about your future romantic relationships: no more murky, no more gray, no more unidentified, and no more undeclared. And if at all possible, try to know someone as best you can before you get naked with them. Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook It’s very easy for us to give advice, and quite honestly, it’s kind of fun. We’ve even learned a little about ourselves in the process. (Well, at least Liz has.) Why don’t you give it a try? It’s fun to feel you know better than other people! - 15 - Greg, I Get It! by Nessa, Age 38 I started dating a guy I really liked. We met at a party when we were drunk, and we hooked up a little. Then we were dating, and I was so nervous around him (because I liked him so much) that I drank more than I normally did. He likes to drink too, so I was also just trying to keep up with him. Finally I realized that we were getting drunk at some point every time we saw each other. Normally I would just stay quiet and see how it all turned out, but this time I got up the nerve to say something. He listened to me and agreed to have a “sober” date. It was awkward at first, but then awesome. I’m so glad I had the courage to speak up! Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook Oh my God. It’s so weird. We found this on the floor when we were writing this book. It’s from your future boyfriend. Isn’t that a weird coincidence? Hey, Hot Stuff, Can’t wait till you get over that guy you were with. He sounds like a real jerk. Hope it’s soon. You’re way too tasty to be alone for too long. Come find me. I’m out here waiting. Your Future